First blog post

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What happens when you’re dead? Not breathing. Cold. Frozen. Gone. Dead. You don’t know? Well I believe in GOD but I’m scared to die because I have never been good enough for anyone on earth. I know I’m a sinner, but is believing enough? I won’t know until I pull that trigger, take that last breathe, and be judged by my father up in heaven! I’m scared because I know that I sin everyday. I don’t want to go to hell. I want to go to heaven with my father and be happy and healthy. But that doesn’t sound dead does it? You see, death is thought to be really bad when in reality yeah it sucks for us, but the people moving into heaven are happy and healthy! Loved by so many! So why do we think of death as something to prevent! Stop people from dying! Right? No if someone’s suffering let them go to GOD! Dead. Gone. Cold. Just dead.


I’m so lost. Him. Her. Everyone fighting and no one caring! They just need to see that at the end of the day we need each other for a purpose to live! Tell someone you love them tonight or tomorrow morning! Stop sitting around and letting people hurt. Think to yourself, is it possible (blank) is hurting right now? If you aren’t sure find out! I’m not sure what to do! Betray one friend or defend another! I’m so confused about everything. Lost. Just lost. Lost…


His smile makes my day! No one will ever know how much I actually love him because I can’t tell them! I mean it won’t work out! I’m not good enough. How do I know when to just stop it all? Let people use me because I just want to be accepted. Loved. But instead I’m crushed by the people I love because they don’t love me back! Crushed because I will never be good enough for anyone! Ever. Crushed.


So have you ever wondered if people actually care. If so, me too. Actually I doubt very much that anyone cares! Everybody always leaves, right? Exactly! I keep wondering to myself why does everyone leave me, am I really not good enough? Wondering why people think they can say they understand when they don’t! Wondering why everyone judges me? Why when you put on a smile no one notices how sad you truly are! Wondering why I’m living! In fact the reason I’m still alive is because I’m scared to die? Will I be good enough to get into heaven? I wonder if the guy I like hates me as much as I hate me? Wondering why I can talk everyone out of suicide but can’t do it for myself? Everyone, right? Wrong. I wasn’t able to save one. My favorite one. Wondering if he is watching me in heaven. If people who kill themselve go to heaven? Wondering if he cares that he hurt me or that I’m still hurting just like he did! Wondering if anyone noticed when my smile was fake. When my heart wants to stop! Just wondering!